No, REALLY. Went to jail Tuesday morning. Around 8 a.m. I woke up after a good nights sleep ( as I had just returned from The Albuquerque Comic Expo, thrilled to be in my own bed) Showered, dressed, brewed Coffee, let out my Dogs, and kissed my Wife and Kids Good-Bye, and left to my Dentist appointment( Cracked Molar, pain, and i was going in for a Crown), which was at 9:15 a.m. So I turned onto Vineville Avenue and the Blue and Red lights popped on in my rear view mirror. I slowed to a stop and waited. We all know what's next. So I reached back for my License, Insurance, and Registration. No License( as it was still in my Travel Back-Pack that I went to New Mexico with), and I couldn't locate the Insurance card, or the current Registration. OH, SHIT! Now the Officer is knocking at my window. OH, SHIT! OK, so I buzzed the window down and he asks , "Do you know why I pulled you over?" "No.", I said. " Your rear tail light is out.", he said. " Oh. I had no idea.", says I. Then he asks for my License, which I don't have, and my registration, and Insurance, which I can't locate. So he writes the information on his hand as I dictate. I wait, looking in my rear view, nervous, but confident that I have no record. No outstanding Warrants, no nothing. WRONG.
He comes back and asks me to exit the vehicle. So I step out, and he snatches my hand, twists it around my back as he removes a pair of Hand-Cuffs from his belt, slapping them on my wrists. WHAAAAAAAAA----!!!!. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Wait! What just happened?! "Sir you have an outstanding Warrant, so I am gonna have to take you into custody, and go Downtown. " said the Cop. So I start telling him that I have NEVER been arrested, and I have NO record( which is true, by the way). He doesn't buy it, so in the Patrol Car I go, as I ask him to call my wife, and see if she can come get my car, which is RUNNING in front of his, as we block and slow down morning Rush-Hour traffic. He calls Stacie, and I can tell by their conversation that she is incredulous and beside herself( because my 3 kids are asleep, she isn't dressed, and has no car to come get me). She's on the way. Meanwhile, he has stuffed my 6 foot 2 inch, 240 pound ASS into what seems like the back of a Clown-car. After 10 minutes I can't feel my hands. Numb. Pain. Patience is going Bye-Bye! Mainly because I can hear him being told that my Warrant is for not reporting to my Probation Officer 10 years ago( which I did, after racking up a stack of parking tickets, that I went to court to pay, reported to my Probation Officer weekly until I paid off the debt and went my way), and they want their cash for some unpaid parking tickets that I went downtown to voluntarily ( albeit late) pay, and was never arrested for, so that's why my Probation was conditional, and Non-Restrictive to Travel.
I explain this to the Officer, to no avail. So my wife arrives (after I stood, being handcuffed on one of the busiest roads in Macon, GA, seen by God knows how many of my friends and neighbors) with the help of my good friend, and Neighbor, Eric O'Dell. Cop let's me outta the back, to talk to Stacie and she tells me to behave, which I agree to after a Kiss, then she removes the WAD of cash I had in my pocket, just having returned from a Convention( which would have looked REALLY bad). She tells me she will call our lawyer, and Homicide detective neighbor, and friend, and have me out super quick.So off to Jail I go for some FUCKING BULLSHIT I TOOK CARE OF 10 YEARS AGO.
I roll up to the Bibb County Jail( NOT to be confused with State Prison) which I have driven past a thousand times, never giving it a second thought. This time, I noticed, and I thought about it. I was going in.
Through a huge Barbed Wire topped, 10 foot fence with camera/recog, entrance, we go in, up to a holding area, inside a second fenced area( later I would be told by a State employee the gates are inoperable, explaining the frequent, widely publicized escapes) . Cop parks his Cruiser inside what is supposed to be an enclosed, secure garage. It's not. It's open on both ends. He opens my door( just behind his), removing his Glock from it's Holster, turning his back on me and unbelievably placing in the floorboard of his Cruiser( which, again, I was told by a State Employee that he was supposed to deposit his weapon in a safe, Lock-Box at the secured, camera monitored( yeah , right) entrance. He escorts me through an open yard, past the lockbox for his gun, into the County Jail. This is where shit get's REAL. I sincerely hope, NONE of you reading this, EVER has to experience what it is like to be processed into the Department of Corrections, unless you deserve it. Cuz I sure didn't, and I can't UN-KNOW what I know. I really could have lived my whole life without experiencing this.
So into processing. " Stand on the Blue line."( still in cuffs.) Now it's my turn. "HARRIS!" I move up to a Deputy. The arresting Officer FINALLY removes the Cuffs. I can barely move my shoulders. Hands are numb and wrists bruised. So he tells me to remove ALL items from my pockets. Remove my shoes, belt, Handkerchief from my head, and any wristbands, or Jewelry. Then my piercings( which I only have 4, in my ears). I do that, and he commands that I remove them ALL. So I say," That's it, CHIEF, maybe your cock and balls are pierced, but not mine."YES. I said that. So, he then removes all the $340 in cash from my wallet, with his surgical glove/clad hands and counts it out, filling out a form with the amount, and the contents of my pockets. Heres the really debasing degrading part. " Put your hands on the table and spread your legs." I did. Then I got felt up for weapons, or contraband. NO OTHER WAY TO PUT IT. Inside of your legs from ankle to Balls, grabbing, and groping all the way. Then it's up to your Man-Tits, armpits, stomach and ass. Nice. Sign yer documents, and move on.
Shall we continue?
Then you see a Med/tech. Tell me all the Meds you are on so I can call your Pharmacy to confirm that we just told all yer OLD friends at the Pharmacy that YOU ARE IN FUCKING JAIL. Sign more documents, and move out into the main holding area. A buncha Deputies hollering at you randomly to GO!, MOVE! GET IN TANK 1! You look around, find a label above a metal room with one window, filled with scary looking dudes. Then, guess what? You reach for that door, and you walk in under you own power. Against everything you know to be right, you reach out and you open the door, and walk in in.
I am not a weak man. NOT of mind, and NOT of flesh. Those of you who know me? Nuff said. I am also NOT a Super-Hero. What I am is Human. And I was scared. Of what? I have no Idea. I didn't know what to expect.I don't know if what you see in TV and Movies is real. All I can relate to you here, is what happened to me. Unfiltered. True.
In this Jail, they have multiple holding Tanks surrounding a Command center that controls the opening of the doors electronically by 4-6 Sheriffs Deputies. When you enter, you begin at TANK 1 and move on to TANK 3 and release. Entry. Internal ventilation thats serves NO purpose, and also serves as an entry point to VERIFIED RAT ATTACKS on detainees( by a State Employee). There is a steel toilet attached to a sink above, hooked into a cinderblock wall that is covered in shit, bloody snot-rockets and GOD knows what, just above a PISS-soaked concrete floor. The smell was unbearable. I was later joined by other Detainees. Firts was a stinking sack of Human Shit. Crazy as a shit-house-rat. Asked me if i was, " Chillin?" Next, a guy who went on and on about how I had been here 2 hours without a phonecall, and that was Bullshit. Then he proceeded to punch concrete walls and floors. NEVER SHUT UP. NOT EVER! Echoing off concrete, and cinderblock in INCOMPREHENSIBLE EBONICS. Lots of nodding and ," Right Ons!" from me. Then Georgia Chain-gang Prisoners were brought in. Finally I was moved to TANK 3 after my wife paid my Ransome. FINALLY they call your name. This is when you are photographed and released. You are given back your belongings, and ordered to examine every piece. Your money is counted out back to you, and you sign more documents.A Deputy escorts you down a LOOOOOOOONG hall as you say under your breath, " Sometimes, the Green Mile can be sooo long." My Deputy laughed out loud, and said, " In a minute, YOU are gonna be on the OTHER side of THIS."
So I came home, talked to my wife, my friends, and reflected on what happened. Yep, I was pissed. Yep, Scared for sure. But after a LOT of discussion, it was clear to me that I had to assimilate this into my life, as well as my work. So what happened to me in Jail, THAT day, WILL be written into BUFFALO MONK. After all, MONK is the Sheriff. We will deal with Jail, Prisoners, and the like. So why not pull from experience? So th esecrets of what happened to me in TANKS 1-3 will be revealed, in time. Stay tuned.
BIBB COUNTY DEPARTMENT